Tickling your Fun-Technicals…

The title of this blog is “Coding… and then some”, but as I’m having a quick look this evening, most of it seems political. I make no apology for this; I learnt a lot of my technology skills in the early/mid 1980s, where this stuff was still for geeks. However, now it’s gotten into the mainstream infrastructure of society, it seems only fair for me to comment on technologies I’ve helped to build – particularly when governments and self-interest groups try to hijack the work of myself and several good friends, for their own purposes. Having contributed to several government committees on technical issues, it both angers and disappoints me that the whole exercise seems to have been a stage-show for the popular press.

But putting the above aside, I thought it might be fun to recall some of the amusing moments in my career. 

 

Blowing an EPROM (and your mind, too…)

During the middle year of my HND studies, I was employed by GEC-Marconi Avionics (now BAE-Systems) as a Trainee Software Engineer. I was rescued from a certain-death in anti-submarine warfare to a team producing digital maps for fighter aircraft. Because of my background with the BBC Micro, touching hardware held no fear, and so one of my duties was reprogramming the target development environment. 

Now back in these dim and distant days, this wasn’t a matter of simply re-flashing the firmware; it meant blowing your code into a set of EPROMs on a programmer and then replacing the socketed devices on a board.

Anyway, one Friday afternoon, I returned from lunch, to hear that a Senior Software Engineer who had recently joined the team, couldn’t afford to wait, and had gone into the lab to replace the chips himself. Before I had even had the chance to exclaim “WTF!??!”, he strolled back into the office with a bemused expression on his face, and asked “Do EPROMs light up?”

After the howls of laughter had died down, I went into the lab with him, and went through exactly what he had done. Turns out he hadn’t even programmed the devices he put in the board – placing EPROMs under UV light doesn’t exactly program them…

(For non-technical readers, exposure to UV light erases EPROMs)

 

Being Too Technical…

There are many fascinating stories to tell from a rather large broadcasting corporation in the UK that I worked at, but a couple will always stick in my mind…

 

Double-sided paper

While working the hell-desk, I once had a call from someone in the call-centre complaining that they had send a report to the printer and asked for double-sided printing, but that only one side was being printed on. My “witty” reply of “Yes – you’re printing to the LaserJet 5M downstairs – that doesn’t have double-sided paper in it” was immediately greeted with a response of “Oh – of course – I’ll go get some from stores”.  Some 6 minutes later, my phone rang again, with a less than pleasant greeting – “You bastard!!!”

Seemed odd that I got blamed for their own stupidity…

 

Ignoring the obvious…

This is partly my fault, because I should have been more thorough. But by this time, I was learning that it was quicker to walk downstairs to the call-centre than to spend time on the phone.

“I can’t login!” said a panicked operator.

“OK, OK – calm down. Is the light on your monitor on?”

“No – the screen’s black, but there’s a green light at the bottom.”

“Is your mouse working?”

“Yes, just like it always does, but I can’t see anything…”

Intruiged, I went downstairs to investigate. The monitor was turned on, but the actual PC unit wasn’t. And as for the “normal mouse working”? She could still move it around on the desk – therefore it was working…

 

The button of POWER…

On yet another morning, I took a call from a disaster area – namely the postroom…

“The cleaners have been through…”

“Yes…” – waiting to get the news that Hurricane Idiot had swept through behind them…

“Well, they turned off our printer, and we can’t turn it back on…”

“Well, the power switch is at the back, bottom right – it’s just like a light switch – you just turn it on”

(Pass your own comments on cleaning staff being more technically savvy than postroom staff…)

Time passed while I seriously contemplated the differences between custodial sentences for murder and manslaughter…

And then the response…

“Well, we’re not very good with these technical things. Could you come down and do it for us?”

 

An aside to the story…

Long after I left the company described above, there was a suspected anthrax attack. It was apparently started when an envelope covered in white powder arrived in the aforementioned postroom. 

Needless to say, instead of calling the relevant authorities, they called all their colleagues round, and then opened it, sparking a major alert. (Which turned out to be pointless)

Pity though – I’d have enjoyed being there and seeing Ruth in the de-contamination showers…

And if you ever travel into London and get “mildly upset” over-running and non-functional IT systems, like your Oyster card, the IT director of that company is now a project manager for TFL…  

The prosecution rests…

 

With stories like this, I’m often amazed that my ex-colleagues could have dressed themselves before making it into the office…

The Need For Speed…

Question:

What’s the difference between going down on a girl and being caught by a mobile speed trap?

Answer:

When you’re going down on a girl, you can see the cun*t behind the bush in front of you.

 

Yeah, yeah, OK, OK – I’ve been caught by a mobile speed camera. OK, we’ve all done it – and I should get some kind of award (other than 3 points) for doing it in a Rover 45 diesel; Jeremy would be proud.

I was caught doing 46mph in a 40mph zone. On September 11th of this year. Quite frankly, given the amount of US-based hi-tech industry in the Thames Valley, you’d have thought they’d have been out looking for something more serious, but apparently Al-Queda doesn’t pay fines for killing Western civilians, and as I’m white, middle-class and middle-aged, I’m their next best target for money.

I’ve already discussed speed and its irrelevance to road accidents before, so let’s have a look at some of the other points…

I was caught on a 4 lane-wide, dual-carriageway stretch of the A322. The A322 is National Speed limit throughout, from Bracknell to the M3 – apart from one half mile stretch by Bracknell Leisure Centre. It’s also non-residential; there’s a KFC DRIVE THROUGH (my emphasis), a Shell PETROL STATION (as previous), and a TYRE/EXHAUST CENTRE  (yada, yada). All of which suggests there are motor vehicles potentially operating in the immediate vicinity. I say “potentially”, because while they are operating in the morning in Bracknell (i.e. they have their engines on), they sure as hell aren’t going anywhere.

So, are people crossing the road then? Now look. How often have you seen a Zebra Crossing across 4 lanes of an A road? Yes, me too. Which is why there’s a pedestrian walkway under the road by the leisure centre. Yes, you can even fit a bike through it (providing it hasn’t been stolen while you were inside).

So, we’re left with the question: Why is this stretch of road, which is filled with vehicle-centric businesses, has a glacial pace of traffic flow, and already accomodates pedestrians, subject to such pathetic speed restrictions?

Safety cameras. Of course, safety is the aim. Safety of who, exactly? The pedestrians who should be using the under-road tunnel, or drivers, who either can’t move, or have to spend so much time watching their dashboards, that when they finally get over 5mph, they’ll pile into the Volvo S70 in front?

So what is safety? Is it to stop pedestrians being hurt? Covered that one. Is it to stop excessive speed and cars rear-ending each other at 90mph? Covered that one, too. So I’m left wondering what possible other “safety” aspect could there possibly be?

Now you’ll note that I was caught by a MOBILE speed camera. Yes – someone took a special effort to go out and set one up that morning. BUT the EXACT same stretch of road has FIXED speed cameras, and has done for the past 15 years. But they’ve never worked. So, wait until the traffic eases, at say 11.30am, place a mobile camera, and then catch some people 6mph over the limit. It sounds a bit like lulling drivers into a false sense of security to me…  

If you’re really concerned about the speed of traffic and preventing accidents, why not put some chicanes in and/or speedbumps? That way, everyone slows down – even when you aren’t there with with radar hair-dryers. Of course, you wouldn’t catch anyone speeding, either. You can claim that you’re making the roads safer, or you can claim that you’re just raising revenue. You can’t have it both ways…

As a final comment, the accompanying note mentions “Mitigating circumstances” – namely, there aren’t any, and that all statistics regarding the site of the speed trap are exempt from The Freedom Of Information Act. You might like to compare and contrast this standpoint to the authorities’ point of view on breaking RIPA and PECR2003 by Phorm and BT. The City of London police have decided not to investigate BT and Phorm’s crimes breaking both of those laws, as there “was no criminal intent.” Well, I didn’t have any criminal intent either – I just wanted to go to work to build more large storage devices so you lot could store more surveillance data on the general public. But still, I’m not an ex-minister sitting on the board of BT, so there you go…

Growing up under a Conservative government during my childhood, I had no idea what it was like to be persecuted for trying to live like a regular white, middle-aged, middle-class citizen. But since 1997, I’ve been finding out pretty quickly…

Killing trees for fun…

So, the UK Government are very keen on saving the plant. Great – I subscribe to the principle. But it seems that “Saving the plant” is also a synonym for “Taking more money off you”. Not something I was taught in school, but then I was taught in an environment where you thought for yourselves, not just had it prescribed by the ruling party…

Anyway, coming back to saving the planet. The powers that be seem to be majoring on CO2 emissions. Again, fine, but missing the main point. However, seeing as they’re dead-keen on CO2, let’s just take a quick look at something.

This is what remained AFTER I’d shredded the personal details parts of the above letters.

Honestly, looking at the amount of paper in the above photo makes my blood boil. I’ve been working in the IT industry for over 12 years, and have been practicing electronic communications for longer than that. There are far better ways of communicating with potential customers. The most obvious is to actually make your company accessible; if I want insurance, I’ll look for companies on the web. I’ll then either email you or call you. If you have enough staff to answer my call or email me back, you’ve practically won. 

If governments REALLY care about saving the planet, perhaps they ought to consider the fact that trees absorb CO2. And then they ought to work out how many trees went into the above photo – that I didn’t read. And then they might like to take the time to stop people wasting trees, wasting electricity by me turning my lights on and reading them, and then wasting even more energy in having to shred my personal details contained in the letters. 

And then maybe we can all get back to the serious issues…

And I can get back to my 5.0 litre TVR Chimaera…

RIP Richard Wright

No post here.

 

Just an RIP for Rick Wright, founder member and keyboard player with Pink Floyd, who has gone to The Great Gig In The Sky.

 

You’ll be deeply missed Rick. Thanks for all the music, and I hope you have a great gig with Syd…

Lost code…

No, nothing lost to the best efforts of the twin evils of SVN and CVS…

I was planning to talk about Phorm this evening, but I’m afraid that will have to be delayed; as there’s someone in trouble. No, not an animal in trouble (I’ve become conditioned to the TV whims of my son, but I’m surviving…)

A very close friend of ours has a son who has expressed an interest in learning C++. This boy, who we’ll call “Steve” is about to undertake his final year of study before taking his final GCSE exams. He’s a bright guy, setup toys to amuse young kids at parties, and is certainly no fool when it comes to his science and mathematics.

However, he wants to study computer programming – an admirable aim from my point of view; the deployment of software is showing no signs of slowing any time soon.

His school, like many, doesn’t teach programming, or even computer science. Most courses that involve computers invariably quote the two skills that appear to be the tenets of IT education today: “Word” and “Excel”. And that’s fine. I have no problem with teaching people to use the tools that people will be exposed to for the rest of their working lives. What I do have a problem with, is people that don’t seem to understand that using software packages is not a substitute for real software development. And I don’t care that Ms Dickson says that “using VBA is a KIND of programming.” It isn’t. 

So, let’s get back to Steve. A local community college provides a C++ programming course, and his mother has been following the process to enroll him. But now, just two weeks before the start, the college have said that he isn’t elligable because he’s still in full-time education.

Let’s get this straight. Here we have someone who desperately wants to pursue a topic of interest, a local college that’s funded by his parents that offers the course he wants to do, and he’s being denied  access because the education system won’t let him play to his strengths. His parents have even offered to pay the full course fee, but, as you might expect from jobbing-beaurecrats, the answer is a resounding “No.”

Disregarding the political and funding issues involved here, let’s look at the the technical issues.

The majority of households in the UK have at least one PC and broadband connection. How has this infrastructure come about? Well, I can actually tell you. It’s a confluence of brilliant people, brilliant ideas, and a governance that stayed away from things they didn’t understand. 

Many of these people did the work for free, and contributed it to the community – simply look at the influence of Linux and associated software. My friend, Steve, wants to be a part of this, but no-one is willing to teach him. Why? I’m told that the issue is with funding; because he’s in full-time education, he can’t be funded for a subject he really wants to study. But what about the subjects he’s being forced to study that are of no relevance? Is studying Polish particularly relevant to optimising a DFFT algorithm? 

Of course not. So how does Steve get the education he wants? At the moment, it seems the only way is through friends. 

I’ve been trying to make this argument through the IEEE for several years, and despite the best efforts of my colleagues, the UK government willfully choose to ignore our suggestions, but are quite happy to employ other areas of research – especially those those involved in surveillance.

Sadly, the UK’s “Innovation Industry” is nothing more than word of mouth…